I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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