stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
