I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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