So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
