I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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