i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
