I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
