My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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