After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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