They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
