and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
