he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
