At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
