if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
