I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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