He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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