I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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