is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
