mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
