Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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