walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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