Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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