"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
