the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
