Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
