Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
