Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
