You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
