You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
