At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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