New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
