I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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