Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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