he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
