My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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