running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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