guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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