I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
