o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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