Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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