Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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