Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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