i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
