Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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