yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
