Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
