i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
even my farts smell like vagina
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
