my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
