He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
