Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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