i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
